Getting Out of Bed

Just about everyone says they have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning, but if you have depression it’s much harder. Every day when I wake up, I don’t want to get out of bed. It’s not because I’m too tired, but because I don’t have the willpower to get up. When I tell my legs to move out from under the covers, they don’t listen. I ask my arms to push me up from the bed, but they refuse.

My bed is a safe place for me, I can be by myself and not have to worry about anything hurting me. When Im in bed, I am the closest to at peace that I’ll ever be. My anxiety is washed away by the warmth of my blanket, and my depression is smothered under my pillow. My fan sounds like a gentle rain, and if I’m lucky, I’ll fall asleep and forget my pain.

Memory Loss

Depression is linked to short term memory loss, and I have felt this firsthand. I used to be able to remember just about anything. Now I have trouble remembering what I did the day before, or what I was thinking about a few minutes ago.

It’s a scary feeling not being able to remember these things. I’m worried that when I’m older, this part of my life will be a gray area of lost memories. Maybe that’s a good thing, because I don’t want to remember all of the things depression has made me do.

Recently, I’ve been trying to focus on the things I want to remember instead of taking them for granted. Sometimes I’ll be too invested in the past or future that I forget to live in the present. Even though this part of my life hasn’t been great, I still want to have these memories to share.

Am I Lazy?

Many times people assume that instead of being depressed, they’re just lazy. To someone without depression, both can look similar. This is why a family tends to think a depressed relative is ignoring them or doesn’t want to talk to them. Depression makes a person have a lot less energy, and takes away their drive to do anything. I even have trouble getting the drive to write this. To someone with depression, asking them to get dressed and go get some things from the store, is the same as asking a healthy person to go run a 10k. My advice is same for both of those things though, just take it slow.

Family

I have been blessed with having an amazing family on my mom’s and my dad’s side. They have been a great source of support for me during tough times. I always look forward to the times when we get together and just talk and laugh the whole time.

Many people have become blind to the support their family tries to give them because of depression, I’ve felt that way too sometimes. It can be hard for your family to help you with depression, they don’t know exactly what’s going on in your head. They might think you need space from them, or that you need to be smothered in love. The best thing to do for someone with depression in my opinion, is to just tell them that you’re always there for them and that you care for them.

Some people aren’t so lucky with the family they have. Don’t blame yourself for the way your family acts. If you’re looking for support, asking a friend is very helpful as well because they care about you too. If they don’t care about you, they aren’t your friend.

If asking your friends doesn’t help, contact a therapist or your school counselor. You might think therapy isn’t for you, maybe you had a bad experience with a past therapist, but just have to keep looking for the right fit. Trust me, having the right therapist helps tremendously. You could even invite a family member to come with you so they can understand depression better.

You aren’t alone, you were put here for a reason. If you need someone to talk to you can always message me. Remember, depression is not the end.

Highs and Lows

It’s hard to talk about depression due to the fact that your attitude is always changing. Some people believe being depressed is just sadness all the time, but most the time that isn’t what it is. For me personally I have have good days and bad days. On my good days I feel close to normal, and on my bad days I just want to give up. People may ask “well what decides whether you have a good or bad day?” To that question, I don’t know the answer, maybe there isn’t an answer. When I wake up I have a set emotion for the day and it starts over the next day. I keep saying high and low “days” but in reality it can really be any length of time that these changes happen. People close to you may have a hard time understanding why some days you can do things, and other days you just lay in bed. If you think someone is ignoring you or doesn’t seem to care, understand they may be having a low day. You just have to be patient during the tough times and grateful for the good times. Remember, Depression is not the end.

I Feel Numb

Have you ever had so many emotions going through you that you just feel numb? The first time I remember having this feeling was seeing my dad’s lifeless body on our driveway. I wasn’t sad or mad or anything, just… numb. Maybe this happens when your brain doesn’t know how to express your feelings on what’s going on. This sounds like it would be a great thing right? But every time this happens your emotions just stay inside your head ready to burst. After a while, the tiniest thing can make all of those emotions come spilling out. It’s healthy to show emotion as much as you can, but that’s easier said than done. If you are in a numb state right now, try closing your eyes and organize your feelings in your head. Don’t think about the past or the future, just the present, as your emotions become more understandable. If that doesn’t work, that’s fine too. If the same thing worked for everyone, we’d just be clones. Depression is not the end.

Depression, Family, and School

This is my first post, so it probably won’t be great. My depression grew into major depression once I started (community) college. My first semester I got all C’s, but my second semester is when I couldn’t even get myself to go to class. Eventually I had to drop all of my classes, and tell my mom I haven’t been going to my classes because of my depression. I can’t remember exactly what happened but she was definitely upset and disappointed. I started going to a therapist which seemed to help a little, but my mom thought it should’ve instantly cured my depression. I didn’t sign up for classes the next semester, and that brings us to this semester. I went to class for the first few weeks, but once again I can’t bring myself to go to class. Maybe my brain can’t make sense of all the information in class, but while in class all I can do is fidget. It’s a burden to just sit there for three classes for a total of 4 1/2 hours just fidgeting and feeling uncomfortable. So I stopped going to class, I lie and say I go but in reality I just go to IHOP and come back home and pretend I went to class. Some days I can’t even bring myself to leave the house so I just lay in bed. This morning my mom saw I wasn’t in class again so she barged into my room and started swearing at me, she said she can’t fucking believe me, and that she’s tired of this shit, and some other profanities,then leaves my room and slams the door shut. She claims that she understands my depression and wants to help when I talk to her about it, but she’s lost my trust about this. I think I’ll always be a disappointment in her eyes. She probably wishes she had a normal son. I’m sorry I can’t be normal, Mom.